Breathe in, Breathe out
by Busshunter
Summary: Santana was a girl who never believed in love or 'family' because of the things that she had lived. Therefore, she decided to join the army because she found no meaning to live until a photo of an unknown woman saved her life. Based on 'The lucky one' film. g!p Santana!
1. Chapter 1

**I would like to thank to every one who reviewd and helped me to choose which story I should write first. As this idea won (by a few points), I will start with this one ;) I hope not to disappoint you. The next chapter will be more extensive. I promise :)**

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Do you believe in coincidences?

" _Coincidence is God's way of being anonymous_ ", said Laura Pedersen in her Best Bet's novel _._

And that's what I learned at school. But do you know what? I don't think everything happens for a reason. There is cause and effect. Why and wherefore, that's a whole other situation. Coincidence is human's trying to explain the unexplained.

What many individuals do not realize is that our minds, in hopes of connecting events together, often find patterns within meaningless data, like they are some sort of sign of a bigger meaning to events, when in reality _you_ did something for _that_ to happen.

What I'm going to confess is an example of what I just said, but deep inside I know that God had something to do with this, because…

It all started when I was still going to High school. I was young and so in love with my best friend, Brittany. We were in the Cheerios squad of McKinley High and we ran the world. I loved her so much that sometimes I forgot about everything else completely, even my own health and wellbeing. Yeah, I was that stupid I guess. I chose her because she showed me that she was different from all the others. She was nothing like my parents. I had a family although it was never a real family because my parents lived to make money and I was nothing but a hindrance for them. Brittany was generous and taught me how to speak and not to make use of violence. She was the most harmless person of the whole world, but when I opened up my heart to her she crushed my hearts in the palm of her hand by telling me she loved me but in a different way. (What?) Yeah, people do that often. Although we'd sex many times, she was in love with a stupid boy and well, shit happens. I've tried to find new ways to hate her every day because then at least it wouldn't hurt so much, but everything was out of your control. I couldn't sleep at night for months, because when I closed your eyes, she still was in my dreams to remind me that I was alone.

One day, I realize that I could never, ever have her again; I have finally hit the lowest low and I knew that no one could bring me up. It was making me insane that I could feel her presence everywhere, though she wasn't there with me. I had to take in that she had told me that she didn't love me and I tried to do anything to say those same words...and mean it, but I couldn't. The pain was so great that I felt that giving up altogether was the only choice. When your heart has been ripped out, and ignored, yet still can't let go you have to build your walls so high that no one could break them.

So, I did that and since I couldn't find any reason to live for… I've joined the army.

I saw flames engulfed vehicles and incinerated bodies, turning them to dusty ash and blackened bones. Those images and experiences were recorded in my mind and I know that they will never go away. Ironic is to think that I could have joined those ashes but I'm still alive thanks to a photograph. Yeah, a fucking photo.

I was running next to my group beneath a sky so dark that it seemed night, although it was still dawning. I was tired as fuck and we were finally coming back to our tents. I don't know why but I slowed down for a minute so I could catch my breath, and it was then, from the corner of my eye, that I spotted the dull gleam of a photograph, half-buried in the dirt. I went to pick it up and noticed that it had been cheaply but neatly laminated, probably to protect it from the elements. I rubbed my fingers on the photo to clean the image and that was the first time I saw her. The blonde with the smile and the hazel mischievous eyes, wearing a red sundress and she had in her arms a 'little version of her' that was smiling, too. Behind them was a banner showing the words Hampton fairgrounds.

You can call it coincidence or whatever you want, but at the moment when I turned the photo and read those 'Keep safe' words, a bomb exploded to millimeters of distance where I was and suddenly I was floating surrounded by flames.

Breath in

Breath out

Breath in

Breath out

I crashed against something and then everything was black.

…

..

.

* * *

When I woke up, Mike, my best friend who was in my squad, was in front of me smiling widely.

"You're hard to kill, huh", he joked and leaned to hug me so gently to not hurt me. I was nearly all plastered. I couldn't form any words yet but the only thing I could think of was in that photo that's saved my life.

"You must consider yourself lucky, López, the others three that were next to you died", he gave me a sad smile. Then, he extended his hand to give me the picture, "Her husband was one of them", he said and spent all day telling me about their friendship. How small is the world, isn't it? She was the wife of my best friend's classmate in High school. "That picture was supposed to keep him safe, but it saved you instead", Mike told me. How should I feel about that? Fuck it. "You owe your life to this photo", and he was right about that. If I had not seen that picture, I would be dead right now. But I did and I wouldn't know if to say that it was a sign or something, but perhaps that photo was exactly there to save me. And since that moment I found a reason to live for.

I wasn't going to stop till I find her.

…

..

.

* * *

After eleven months of recovery, they allowed me and my squad to return to our houses. That meant returning to Lima and I wasn't ready to run into Brittany and found out how well she did without me while I was dodging bullets and bombs for five years. So I stopped next to my friend, "I want to go with you to Hampton", I stated and he knew that he couldn't do anything to make me change my mind. Mike huffed and puffed a lot but then nodded his head.

"Whatever you are planning in that crazy head of yours, rethink it before you fuck everything up", he advised me and I rolled my eyes to him. How bad could things go?

If I had only had some idea of what was going to happen before I got on his old truck, I would have saved me for several things.

...

..

.

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 **See u soon xx**


	2. Chapter 2

**It's too soon to update again? lol Thanks for the reviews! You're awesome :) I don't know when I'm going to update again, so I decided to let you another chapter**

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Mike decided to spend the night in a little town. I offered to drive while he rested but he declined saying that both of us needed to rest. He was right in a certain way, but I was eager to arrive at our destination. At least I was going to sleep in a bed for the very first time in years. I left my bag that had a few things on the bed and I went to take a bath. When I was taking my cargo pants off, I felt that something dropped. It was the photograph. I gave myself the attribution to watch carefully the features of the blond girl that was in the photo. She was really beautiful. I could watch her all day and I wouldn't be tired of doing that. 'Of course you would horndog', my mind replied and then I felt my not so little junior getting excited about what I was seeing. Well, you can't blame me of that. It was five years since the last time I've slept with a woman. I needed some action and that beauty I was watching it was not certainly helping. Somehow, for 'respect', I saved the photo and decided to take that shower I wanted so much. It was weird to feel such peace and silence at the same time. I got used to being concerned and alert to any noise for a long time.

I went into the room wearing only a pair of short and my sports bra. "Can you dress yourself properly? Here is a man that hasn't had any contact with a pair of tits and asses for a very long time, you know? Unless you want to help him with that issue", you heard Mike complain and you laughed, "If you want that to become true two thing must happen, first, me not being gay and second, me not having a big cock… and sorry, I'm not sorry to tell you that none of those things are going to happen", I answered him as he stammered 'shit' and we both laughed.

"We should go out tonight", he suggested when I climbed to my bed, but I ignored him. "Do you want to?", Mike insisted.

"I don't know, we need to–"

"Oh, come on! Don't be such a pussy and join me for a drink at least, López"

"Ok, just one drink", I told him, although I knew that it was not going to be just one drink but many.

One drink became into ten shots of tequila for each one of us.

…

..

.

* * *

"Jesus, he wasn't kidding about you not wearing a strap-on beneath your jeans… it's fucking real, ugh, you're so big", I suddenly was pushed against a wall and a feminine voice echoed in my mind. My eyes were closed, I couldn't focus in anything. I could only feel how that unknown girl was sucking on my neck and her hands were trying to get into my pants to grab my dick. I was carried away by her actions but all of a sudden, the blonde girl took over my mind. Her hair was floating in the air and I could see mystic halo around her pretty face. She was approaching towards me and I was fascinated by her.

"You're my guardian angel", I confessed to her and she gave me that sweet smile that I was dying to see for months. "What's your name?", I asked her because I needed to know. I needed to touch her, to feel her skin against mine and to hear how amazing was to pronounce her name with my tongue. I tried to take two steps towards her but then I felt my head banging against something hard.

"I'm definitely not an angel" I opened my eyes when that horrible voice landed me to the real world. "I'm Ciara, I want to hear you scream my name when you come in my mouth, baby", she said and bent down to continue what she was doing but I stopped her abruptly. "Get off me whore", I yell at her and then I left the bar. I didn't know what was happening to me. That woman was controlling all of me and I hadn't even known her yet. It was driving me mad. I really need to find her, soon.

…

..

.

* * *

The next day, I had to push my friend out of bed so he could wake up. It was getting late and I wanted to arrive to that place so I could be face to face with that incredible woman that wouldn't leave my mind until I met her.

"Should I get worry?", Mike broke the silence while we were on the road. The morning was perfect. The air was pretty cool and I couldn't remember when was the last time I had seen a sky was as blue as this.

"About what?", I tried to fool him. I've already knew what he's talking about.

"You know what I'm talking about. She's a four years old daughter. She was widowed recently and she is not the kind of woman to mess around with. She doesn't deserve it, Santana"

"I didn't know she had two husband", I said sarcastically and Mike fixed his eyes on me in a not-very-friendly way.

"Stop being a bitch and listen to me, this is not playing house here, Santana. Stay away from her if you are not ready to have a family", his voice was serious and He was right in something. I wasn't ready for that because I never knew what was to have a family.

"I don't know, I-I just need to meet her, Mike", I told him the truth because there was no reason to hide it. It was like a supernatural force was attracting me towards her.

"I always knew you're not normal, but do me a favor, ok? Think before you do something stupid. I don't want to kick your hot ass, yet", he warned me with a half teaser tone. "Now, from the perspective of a friend, I don't promise you anything. When someone close to you dies, it usually changes your life. So, I don't know how she is now. She used to be an amazing woman, though."

And that got me thinking for hours.

"Did you call your parents that you're alive?", Mike changed the subject after several minutes in silence.

"No, and I won't either", I answered calmly and his eyes fixed on me again.

"Why? They are probably–"

"If they really loved me, they would have send me letters during these five years", I stopped and my best friend stayed in silence so I could keep expressing myself, that it wasn't an usually thing to see every day. "They would have tried to convince me not to join the army when I gave them the news. Do you know what did they say to me when I told them that I was going to a fucking war? They answered a simple 'Ok' and then they fucking left the room", I shared with him one of the more reserved memories I had. I bite my own tongue and tried to hold back the tears that were forming in my eyes. I thought I had got over that, but I guess I didn't.

Some things mark you for life.

…

..

.

* * *

I felt a strong shove on my shoulder which woke me up. While my eyes were trying to get used to the clarity of the day, I saw that we were approaching towards a white house.

"It's here", Mike said while he was trying to park the truck. I stretched before I got off the vehicle. "You must hide your anaconda if you don't want to scare Quinn", when I lowered my eyes to find out a bug bulge between my legs, I blushed. In front of the house there were large shady trees, a play area for the kids, lots of flowers and a little blond girl was gliding back and forth on the yellow swings. When the child saw us, she immediately jumped and came running to meet us.

"Hey little Beth! Did you miss me?", Mike stretched his arms to raise the girl.

"Don't ever leave me again uncle Mike, please", The girl's sad voice made my heart hurt. I figured that Beth already knew about her father.

"I won't, I promise", my friend kissed Beth's forehead as a sign that he would fulfill the promise.

"Mike", I heard a feminine voice coming closer and then, I met those hazel eyes. "Long time no see", she said and leaned to hug him. From one moment to the other, I was paralyzed as if I were another tree in the courtyard. My body was motionless but my heart felt more alive than ever. I've dreamed of this moment for months and now it was happening. If earlier I had said that the woman was beautiful, I said it wrong. I couldn't form any words to describe her. She was like an angel indeed. I continued watching her like a stalker until her attention was fixed on me. I almost died. The palms of my hands began to sweat. Christ, I wasn't that nervous since… since Brittany.

"Santana, she's Quinn Puckermann… Quinn, this is Santana López, my best friend", Mike introduced us as she extended her hand towards me. "Hi, nice to meet you Santana", she smiled to me as she waited to grab my hand. I shook my head and I felt my cheeks reddened because my stupidity.

"Make yourself at home"

And that's when all began. I should have known that she was going to be the death to me.

…

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 **Review? :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**First of all, I want to say thank you! to everyone that left a review on the last chapter. You're amazing! :) I wanted to clarify that my native language is not English and that is why you will find many mistakes. I try to do my best. So please, be patient with me, I'm innocent (? hahaha if you have ideas to share, advices, be critical with me. I have an open mind and that's about to being a 'Writer', I'll always try to improve and your reviews help so much :)**

 **GUESTS: TRY TO PUT SOME NAME SO I COULD ANSWER TO EACH ONE, PLEASE :)**

 **Guest:**

I'm glade to read that you enjoyed this story! It inspired me to keep writing it :) I'm going to update Inside out soon, don't worry ;)

 **Monica Martins F :** Aw, thanks! I appreciate your review. Hope you'll like this chapter!

 **Browser:** Thanks! Hope you'll enjoy this chapter, it's longer than the others ;)

 **Guest:** Thanks for your tips. I'll consider it. My native language it's not English, so I'm really trying to write it perfectly, but well… I'm still learning :) If you had more advice, tell me! Hope this chapter will be more enjoyable

 **loryw:** Awesome, so you could read and not expect to this story to go like the movie. I took some parts, the rest is from my imagination. Hope you'll enjoy this chapter! Thanks for review

 **Red Ready:** Thanks! I warn you that this story it's not exactly like the movie. I took some ideas. Hope you still reading this! Thanks for your comment.

 **.752:** Thanks! I'm glad to read that :) hope you're still hooked! Haha. Thanks for your comment.

:Mmmmm what would you tell me if I told you that maybe it could be both of the scenarios that you have described me? :O hahaha you'll see ;) Yeah, about that I'm sorry, my bad. The worst part it's I know that it's Puckerman! But well, it was a mistake… thanks for comment :) any advice? **APOV17:** Hahaha, ok… I'm trying to making it longer, believe me! It's that I'm new in this, writing in English so… be patient with me haha Thanks for the comment :)

 **Futaisawesome:** Hey! I'm right here! I'm baaaackk (? Sorry for the wait, I'll try to update more often ;) Hope you'll enjoy this!

 **ENJOY!**

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I was dreaming about battle tanks, armoured combat vehicles, large-caliber artillery systems, combat aircraft, attack helicopters, warships, missiles and missile launchers, man portable air defense systems, munitions, explosives…

They were everywhere.

The sky was red like blood, I couldn't stop hearing people screaming. If I wanted to lower my sight, I found myself surrounded by heads and dismembered bodies. I was going crazy. I wanted to help to those people but I didn't know how. I was looking everywhere but I couldn't find anything. So, I started to scream as well and I was losing control of my mind…

When I felt that something was touching my shoulder.

I opened my eyes. I was having a nightmare.

Once I managed to focus, I realize my hand was on her neck. I had taken Quinn by her arm, turned her on my bed so I was on top of her, involuntarily, of course. Those hazel eyes were looking at me and I could see the fear in them.

Jesus.

What was wrong with me?

I opened and closed my mouth trying to formulate something coherent, I wanted to apologize for my bad reaction but I couldn't say anything. I wanted to face palmed myself for being an idiot.

"Could you remove your hand from my neck?", Quinn was the first one to broke the silence. I immediately did it but I was still above her. It was the first time that our eyes fused and I could feel some strange energy attracting me to her. They were so beautiful and intense that I was mesmerized. I knew she was feeling the same way because she couldn't broke our intense stare, until she coughed and tried to pull me away. "will you get off me? I need to cook, it's getting late for lunch", she said and I let her move away from me. I knew I had to say something but I didn't know how. I wanted to tell her that my mind was so fucked up with all those memories that I had about war that I was starting to think it'd left me a trauma… and I didn't know if I ever could overcome it.

I covered my eyes with my hands while I let my body fall down on bed again. I stayed like that for a several minutes and then I pull myself together and headed into the kitchen. Quinn was wearing a red apron that was wrapping her waist. I smiled to myself because I thought it was so fucking cute, so domestic…

"Do you need help with something?", I was standing behind her when I asked her that and it seemed like she didn't hear me approaching because she jumped when she heard my voice.

"Jesus! I didn't even know you were here. No, thanks by the way", she refused to my offer and then silence invaded the place. It was making me nervous and I could sense that she was feeling the same because she was cutting vegetables hysterically.

"Don't you want me to do that while you do something else?", I tried again and at the same time she cut her finger.

"Shit!", she cried and then she made pressure where the wound was, and without wasting time, I run to 'my room' and search for a band-aid.

"Let me see", I grab her hand and look how deep were the wound. Fortunately it was nothing major, so unconsciously I took her finger to my mouth so I could clean the blood that was running on it and then, her eyes were focused on mines while I sucked a little. I noticed that she was feeling slightly uncomfortable, so I put some distance between us and placed the band-aid on the finger.

"Thanks", her voice was scarcely audible, I just smiled to her and before she returned to cook, I grab her hand again so she would look at me.

"I wanted to apologize for what happened earlier, I was having a nightmare and–"

"I should apologize, not you. I was walking along the corridor when I heard some noises coming from your bedroom and then I saw you were shaking uncontrollably and moaning. So that's why I try to wake you up. I'm sorry I–"

"Thanks for doing that", I interrupted her "Nightmares are not very pleasant", I smiled to her again.

"They are…"

"Yeah", I just said. I knew she was referring to wars and all the things that a soldier had to face. Sadness was written in her face and I knew that she was thinking about her died husband. I didn't know how to make her feel better.

Then, Mike came to my mind, when he told me to not take advantage her emotional state. I knew that she could feel shock, disbelief, numbness, sadness, anger and a massive loneliness. Her eyes reflect that, like her world has been turned upside down. It broke my heart seeing her like that and knowing I couldn't do anything to help her. We didn't know each other but, since her photo had saved my life I couldn't stop imagine things about 'us'. I might have a little crush on her… maybe… If I explain her about her photo, maybe I could 'move on', or maybe she'd think that I'm crazy. I had to tell her anyway, so I inhale and took courage.

"Quinn, I–"

"Hello everyone!", Mike and Beth arrived and we stayed there, Quinn bend down to pick up Beth while Mike approached to me and tackled me so he could put me down on the floor.

"I think someone needs tickles, Beth! Come here and help me!"

"What the–" Mike held my arms firmly so that I couldn't move and then I saw little Beth starting to tickle me on my ribs.

"Language!", Quinn interrupted my insult. Oh, she was one of those mothers.

"Hahaha stop it! Mike if you don't release me right now, you are going to regret it later!"

"Beth, it's enough… go and set the table while I finish preparing the meal", Quinn ordered to Beth and the little child stood up without complaining and went to do what she was told to. When I fixed my eyes on my best friend in a not friendly way, Mike raised his hands as if he were innocent.

"Calm down, anaconda… There is no need to make use of violence on your best friend, buddy"

"Why do you call her like that?", I was going to answered him when Quinn asked that and I froze. I'd forgotten that she was still in the kitchen and when I was going to glare Mike again warning him about what was he going to say, it was late.

"Oh, she hasn't told you yet?", Mike stared at me and I wanted to break his neck so bad. Ugh, Why do I want enemies if I have him?

"What does she have to tell me?", Quinn wiped her hands on her apron and then crossed her arms to look seriously at us. Shit. What excuse could I say to her and get out of this? I was afraid that she was going to react badly if she discovered my secret.

"MOM! Everything is ready, I'm hungry", there were a few seconds of silence until we heard Beth running cheerfully to meet us. I was seriously starting to adore this little girl. She had saved me from an uncomfortable situation.

"Go to sit at the table, honey. We are already going" Quinn gave me a look as if to say that our conversation had not finished yet. Shit. Hope she'll forget, though I doubt it. I released a long sigh before going towards the dining room.

While Quinn served me the meal on the plate, I saw that there was one more. I frowned and did the gesture of taking the plate to save it, but Quinn voice stopped me.

"My cousin is coming to have lunch with us. She must be on the way", she explained to me and I let the dish where it was. In two second we heard someone knocking on the door.

"Come in!", Quinn shouted and then I saw a fair-haired girl who was almost Quinn's twin. Almost, because Quinn is obviously prettier. Yeah, I think I'm a little obsessed. Although I can appreciate that this girl is... not bad. The difference with Quinn was that her smile was much less innocent, was more provocative and his eyes were intense, like Quinn, but in a different way. Like more bitchy.

"Hello everyone! I'm sorry for being late. I've run into an old friend", she excused herself.

"Why that doesn't surprise me?", Quinn replied and I noticed that she was upset.

"Hey! I think I haven't seen you here before, Are you on my team now, Quinnie?", She smiled victoriously when she received a death glare from Quinn.

"Santana, that's Kitty, unfortunately my cousin. Kitty, she's Santana, Mike's best friend. Now, please, shut up and eat", though the blonde was very bossy and uncomfortable, Kitty kept on looking at me seductively. I always knew when a girl is trying to flirt with me, and I knew that Kitty was doing just that in that moment.

"I found a job at a car wash", Mike tried to change the conversation topic "you could come with me, Santana", I directly nodded to him. Since I arrived I knew that the best thing was to get a job to be able to compensate with the expenses of the house, since Quinn nicely hosted me.

"There is no need for the two of you to work. We're just fine", the widow housewife said.

"The least I could do is to work to return the favor to let me stay here, Quinn"

"But, there is no –"

"We're going to do it, Quinn, like it or not. I agree with Santana in that"

We keep on speaking about other things while we continued with the dessert. I could see out of the corner of my eye that Kitty was looking at me fixedly, and knew that Quinn realized it because whenever she was doing it, Quinn was trying to get her attention. 'Women', I thought by myself.

"What are you doing tonight?", Kitty asked me out of nowhere and I didn't know what to answered.

"Uh, I don't know. The day has not even ended", I told her and she smiled.

"Awesome! Go out with me" I looked at her for a moment. What? "Since my cousin is not capable of making you clear your mind a little or even take you on a tour of this city, I'll do it", She said proudly.

"Leave her alone for a second, ok? Did you even ask her if she wanted to do anything? Excuse her, she's usually that intense", Quinn reacted while she was picking the plates. I immediately got up and started helping her.

"Are you ok?", I asked her when I joined her in the kitchen. She nodded without looking at me.

"It's just that I hate it when she does that. It's like she enjoys embarrassing me in front of people"

"Hey, calm down", I took her hand and look at her eyes, trying to make her realize that I was telling her the truth. "In any case, she should be the embarrassed one for being so desperate", I give her a gentile smile and I received one of those beautiful smiles of her in return.

"You can go out with her if you want, I don't mind it. I –"

"I won't", I interrupted and she fixed her eyes on mines.

"Ok", she said chewing her lower lip and I couldn't think in other thing that I wanted to kiss those delicious lips. I can't stand feeling more and more attracted by her. She's gorgeous, stunning. I didn't know what she was thinking or feeling about me, but I did know that she was, somehow, feeling relieved with my answer. And I was happy with that. It's strange, because we don't know each other, we don't know anything one of other one, but we act as if we knew each other for ages. Our eyes stayed connected for a several minutes until Kitty came into the kitchen

"I have to go, but I wanted to leave you my mobile number before I leave", Kitty took my hand and wrote her number on my palm. Jesus. She's really desperate. "I'll be waiting for your message for tonight", I simply nodded and then she kissed my cheek noisily.

"Do you like beer?", Quinn asked me once her cousin leave her house.

"Do you really have to ask? Who doesn't like drinking a very cold beer in these days of summer?", I laughed and she smiled sadly.

"My husband didn't like it", she answered automatically without thinking about it and then shook her head. "I'm sorry I keep talking about him, it's –"

"It's ok, Q. It's normal. You still love him and miss him, you don't have to be sorry for that", I smiled at her letting her know that I understand her. I wondered how she was able to deal with all this alone. I'm more than sure that it must have been hard. A woman like her shouldn't suffer like this, never. I took the beer and followed her to the garden. We sat there and I wait for her to start talking. I knew she wanted to ask question about the army and what we, the soldiers, had lived there.

"It's hard and it's killing me inside knowing that maybe he was alone and lost and I was here, I couldn't help him. Worst of all is that he surely died alone and probably terrified", she gave vent to her feelings. Sometimes, telling somebody what it's like to lose somebody is a release and it's a good way to get it off your own chest and get it out of your system. So, that's why I remained in silence so that she would continue talking. She seemed like she needed that. "When I saw you're having nightmares, I wondered how many times he must have had them and I couldn't wake him up to calm him down", I stayed in silence and smile sadly as Quinn were looking at me. "What are you thinking?"

"I can assure you that being in the war knowing that you have people who are eagerly waiting for you and praying to God for you to come home alive, is enough to reassure him. He knew he was loved and maybe he hate himself for not being able to come back for you and Beth", I answered staring at the sky, wondering if maybe Brittany or my family would have thought about me once in a while.

"Why are you here?", I knew that what she was asking me was why I was here and not with my family. With that question, I had the opportunity to tell her the truth about the photo, but I didn't have the courage.

"Because I don't have anyone waiting for me", I confessed to her and I hated how her eyes reflected pity for me.

"So you don't have girlfriend or anything?", she dared to ask me and I noticed a little blush on her cheeks. It was adorable.

"How do you know I like the lady parts?", I asked smiling at her cheekily because I didn't remember telling her that.

"A woman notices when someone is staring and appreciating at her body and I caught you doing that every five second", she said and I almost died right there.

Shit. I didn't know how to apologize. Am I that obvious? Fucking great.

"I- I'm –"

"Don't worry, you're lucky that I like you already", she smiled and finished her beer.

She said she liked me. Could it be real? I must be dreaming.

"Go out with me tonight", I spit it out without thinking it "I mean, we could go for a drink or dance or I don't know –"

"Santana, I can't", she refused to go and well, I had no other choice but nodding. I knew I moved too fast, she had just told me that she missed her husband and I had no better idea to throw myself into her. What a genius. Maybe she isn't into girls.

"It's ok, I understand", I told her and we connected our eyes for another moment. It was incredible to see how we were communicating so much with our eyes. I could read in her eyes that she wanted to go out, but she was still doing mourning for her died husband.

"Why don't you call Kitty? I'm sure she'll be up for it" she suggested me and I just nodded. I thought that she didn't like me going out with her cousin. She is confusing me.

"I'll think about it", I answered and we stayed in silence again. I enjoyed being quiet next to her. Her presence was very nice even though we were in silence.

"So, why did Mike call you 'anaconda'?", She asked me and I almost chocked with my beer.

"Well, actually that's the secret to which he was referring to earlier", I started and gulped nervously. I had to tell her and it was better now than later in an uncomfortable position. "I'm a women but with a male part", I confess with my eyes closed. I waited for her to ask me anything but the only thing that I heard was silence. Fuck it. I lift my eyes and found myself with a paralyzed Quinn. Shit. I've ruined everything.

"A male part? Do you mean –", she unwittingly stared at my bulge and I felt shy.

"Yeah", I affirmed.

"But why did he call you –OH", she realized that it was because my junior was big. I could feel how the air had become tense. I knew that this was the end. She obviously felt disgust towards me and I couldn't stand it because this wasn't what I had in my mind.

"If you feel uncomfortable with this, I could leave tomorrow and –", I stood up and started to say goodbye to her. I wanted to cry right there because I finally felt comfortable with people who liked me for who I am but well, my condition was my biggest enemy, once again.

"Don't be ridiculous, Santana", she stood up next to me and grab my hand. "I'm sorry for my reaction; it's that I didn't think that it could be possible until you told me that. So please, stay. It hasn't changed anything, ok?", she looked at me seriously and I sighed. "Ok?", she repeated, waiting for my answer.

"Ok", I said barely audible, and then I felt her arms around my shoulders and I felt like I was drowning in her perfume. She smelled like citrus fruits and it was addicting. It felt like paradise. I didn't want to release her, I was so comfortable with her in my arms.

"Are we good, now?", she asked me next to my ear and I tried not to shudder. Jesus. Her voice could manipulate me so easily.

"Yeah", I replied. We separated from each other and our eyes fused. It was so intense that I could feel myself leaning into her to kiss her, but she took a step back and cleared her throat.

"It's getting late, we should come inside", she said and started walking away from me. I stood right there wishing for more. I was so close to taste those lips. Damn. I lay down on the grass again and then felt my cell phone buzzed.

"Hey, Santana, it's Kitty. Are we still up for tonight?"

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	4. Chapter 4

**I know! It has been a long time since the last time I updated the story, but it doesn't matter... thanks to my Beta AngieMG (who is amazing), I'm back and with a longer chapter. Hope you like it!**

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"Oh, Kitty… Hi!" I replied and my eyes met green hazel eyes that were staring at me for a few seconds and then diverted to look up at the sky where some stars were slowly appearing.

"Yeah, sure…Yeah, of course… I would pick you up but I'm new here and –yeah", Kitty finished my sentence and I heard how she had released a giggle. Then she answered me saying that there was no problem and that she'd pick me up in a couple of hours. I exchanged a few more words and then hung up the call.

Quinn was somewhat tense and pretty quiet. For a moment I thought she was mad at me for having accepted the invitation from her cousin, but she shouldn't be, since she was the one who had encouraged me to go out with Kitty.

"I see you don't waste time," the blonde of my dreams said sarcastically and with that confirmed my thoughts weren't wrong. What the fuck? I frowned and tried to make her eyes focus on me instead of the lawn as she played with her hands. Was she really questioning that?

"Let me remind you that you insisted that I go out with your cousin. Besides ...I just want to go out for a little, I don't want anything else". I decided to clarify that to her although I didn't have to. I couldn't understand why she had looked at me like that, as if she had been disappointed.

In any case, I had every right to want to get to know another person, to go get drunk or do anything that I had on my mind. I always had problems reading women's thoughts or what they were feeling or thinking. Okay, I was also a woman but there were many times that, just for having a male part, sometimes I felt more like a man than a woman, so that may be why I mistook what they thought. I often shared men's thoughts that 'nobody understands women'.

I had invited Quinn first and she rejected me and I understood perfectly that she hadn't entirely forgotten her husband, which was also very recent. But that didn't mean I couldn't go out. I had to admit that in exchange for the rejection, I accepted to go out with her cousin because although she may act a little slutty I didn't really know anyone else that I could go out and have fun with. What my mind needed the most was to be cleared, live what I didn't live in these years and have a good time. What nobody was really able to understand was the state of mind of a veteran after the tragic moments that they'd spent over seas. There will be images that will always torment me and obviously won't leave my mind in the same state it was before, which I know will interfere in any relationship I have because I'll always remember them and maybe I'll never overcome that.

So if I'm ever in a relationship with another woman, she would have to know in the beginning that I couldn't have a 'normal' life. I was conditioned and she would have to help me through those moments, such as my nightmares that I'm not going to lose at all. Maybe the dreams would happen sporadically, but wouldn't ever disappear.

Although I told Quinn that I had nothing in mind, no intention of anything happening with her cousin, the look that she had given me was saying that she didn't believe absolutely anything that I had said. I decided not to argue and hide my inner Snixx. Sometimes, you have to leave women to process information, to remind themselves that not all men are the same. Even if I wasn't a man, but I know that everyone thinks that having a penis meant you act like one. Though that doesn't justify the ugly feeling of being involved in the same situation as everyone and your role was just to show that you were different. Maybe she had a little trauma with it and, well…I will try to help her fix it.

I knew deep inside that Brittany would never disappear from my mind because she was my first in every way and she's still an important person in my life though our relationship ended tragically. But beyond all that, there was something in Quinn that made me feel like I was starting a new phase in my life. It made me feel forced to learn to let go of my past, let go of all that had happened so far. Try to begin and come alive again and start my life from scratch.

"I'm sure if you were looking for a distraction, she would help you with that", I could hear venom in her voice as she spoke to me without looking me in the eye. I was going to reply but I just watched how she started walking toward the house instead, leaving me with the feeling that she was angry and the situation had become awkward between us.

At this time I knew that girl was very possessive. I smiled with that thought because I didn't care at all dealing with it. Moving from a very liberal person to another that was very absorbent, obviously it would be very strange. But I'd rather be with someone like Quinn than one who's indifferent and didn't feel the same for me. I decided to stop thinking because I was assuming a million different things and we hadn't even kissed.

Although I really wanted to.

I started to walk towards my new room to get ready for tonight, but before doing that I threw myself on my bed so I could relax a bit. I took out the picture Quinn had given to her husband and I couldn't stop the feeling of guilt once again telling me what I was doing was wrong and I had to confess the real reason why I was here. But my heart didn't want to because I knew for sure she was going to get mad. I would try to explain myself and every possibility to be with her would disappear. That was the only reason that was stopping me from telling her, but my conscience was telling me otherwise. I should tell her sooner rather than later, it would be even worse if she was told the truth by someone else.

On the other hand no one knew about this except my best friend, who wouldn't betray me. I decided to let time pass and then I'd see what I should do with it, so I kept that picture in a book I was reading on the nightstand that was next to my bed. I sighed deeply and then I went to take a shower so I could get ready for a night out with Kitty.

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The music was too loud for my taste, but the atmosphere was quite nice. Somehow it made me feel young again doing things like drinking, listening to music carefree. I had to admit that my ego grew when I noticed all the beautiful women checking me out. At least that meant that although I had been through rough and difficult times, I was still attractive.

"You know, I still don't get how you got my phone number. If I remember correctly, you gave me your number and not the other way around", I said as I took another sip of my beer. Kitty kept giving me these provocative glances and didn't waste any time to use it as an excuse to touch me.

"Oh! I persuaded Quinn to give me your number", she confessed smiling and I was surprised.

"Why did you have to persuade her?"

"She didn't want to give it to me until we made a deal. I managed to get my prize, which was totally worth it", she answered and then glanced at my whole body. I was suddenly intrigued to know why the other blonde didn't want to give her my number. Perhaps, she was interested in me?

"A deal, huh? Can I know what it was?"

"She gave me your number in exchange for me not taking you to my bed tonight Lopez", she leaned in to whisper in my ear as she brushed her hand down my leg, which I stopped quickly before it reached its destination. I didn't know if she knew whether or not what I had between my legs and I definitely didn't want to cause a scene at the bar.

"Relax, we won't do anything tonight. But I can assure you that when we do, I'll ride you for hours, as if there were no tomorrow," Kitty whispered in a deeper voice than usual in my ear and left a wet kiss on my neck, making a shiver run down my spine all the way to my crotch.

Okay, so maybe it wasn't going to be awkward telling her about what was between my legs.

"Who told you-?"

"Anyone with eyes would have seen what you were hiding in those khakis you had on today, honey." Well... she was right about that. I wasn't small enough to hide. I just nodded my head and asked if she wanted another beer.

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Once we parked outside Quinn's house, I got out and Kitty pinned me against the truck insisting she get the kiss I had denied her all night.

"Kitty..." I tried to get rid of her arms and her sloppy lips that insisted on getting a kiss. Even though I found her attractive, my mind was only focused on someone else right now. "You know we shouldn't do this"

"Why are you thinking so much about the things we shouldn't do, when there are so many things we can do?" She replied and turned to look at my lips, only this time I decided to take her arms and switch our positions so she was against the truck.

"Thank you for tonight, I had a great time. Goodnight" I said as I leaned over to kiss her forehead, Kitty was biting her lower lip watching me doing that.

"You know I won't stop until I have you naked in my bed, right?" She yelled at me while I was walking towards the house making me shake my head. She was a really persistent girl.

When I walked into the house, I saw Quinn and Beth lying on the sofa in the living room. Quinn was holding her daughter and both were sleeping so peacefully that it warmed my heart. I took a blanket to cover them and so they wouldn't feel so cold.

I decided to prepare breakfast and then wake them up. I really couldn't get any sleep because it was already too late for that. In one hour I had to go to the car wash to work and didn't want to be late.

"My daddy used to make us breakfast every morning," a sweet little voice almost give me a heart attack. I turned around to be met with little Beth who rubbed her eyes to look at me better. I didn't know how to respond to what she had just said. In a way I was glad to know I was doing something they both liked, but at the same time I didn't want them to feel sad from the memories.

"Hey, did I wake you up gummy bear?" I asked her as I knelt in front of her to accommodate her. The girl shook her head and yawned as she stretched her arms so I could lift her up.

"Don't call me that, I'm not gummy", she said making an irritated face which made me smile. At first, I was surprised with how comfortable she is with me, but then I took her in my arms and I was surprised again when I felt her little arms around my neck, hugging me warmly. This blondie was really something.

"You don't want to go back to sleep a little longer with your mom while I finish making breakfast?" I whispered and smiled when I hear another yawn. I stopped cooking for a few seconds and took her to the couch. Once I placed her beside Quinn, I covered them with the same blanket and I stayed right there watching the beauty of the girl's mother. She really was an angel. I was afraid to feel so much attraction to another person who wasn't Brittany, but I was starting to feel that kind of need to be with them, to look after them. It was amazing to feel like I was in a 'home' with a family. I wanted to just take care of these cuties, nothing else.

I stood up quickly when I saw Quinn started blinking. My hands began to sweat and the nerves and shame that I felt made me feel like I was about to explode.

"Hey," the blond greeted me as her eyes adjusted to the daylight. I looked everywhere but at her. I was so nervous, I didn't know how to justify myself if she asked me what I was doing.

"I-um… I was going to wake you up", I started talking without knowing what to say. Those hazel green eyes were too intimidating because they were telling me that she knew I wasn't telling the truth. "Breakfast is almost ready," I headed quickly into the kitchen to finish what I had begun.

"Ugh, stupid", I whispered to myself without hearing someone had followed me to the kitchen.

"It's been a long time since someone has made us breakfast," Quinn's voice quickly made me turn to look at her. "Adding that Beth and I totally love bacon ...that usually wakes us right up," she said smiling, making me blush. I really didn't know why I felt my cheeks burn.

"You were -"

"Yep"

"And you pretended that you were still asleep–"

"Yep"

"Ugh, this is so embarrassing," I whispered and heard a small chuckle. "Hey, it's not fair!" I exclaimed and saw that Beth was coming up behind Quinn telling me that she wanted to tickle her mom. Then, I smiled mischievously.

"Nobody told you that he who laughs last, laughs best, huh?", I told Quinn and she looked at me intently until I started running towards her to catch her and began to tickle her along with Beth. I couldn't stop laughing while Beth and I were taking advantage of Quinn, who begged us to stop. For a few seconds I took advantage and cornered the two blondes so I could attack them mercilessly, until in a moment my eyes fixed on Quinn's and it was as if time had stopped. I was drowning in them and it seems like neither of us felt the tickles that little Beth was doing to the both of us.

"Santana, it's time to go!" Mike's voice made me stand up quickly. Quinn was looking anywhere but me, so I understood that she didn't want to deal with what had just happened. I took some clothes to get dressed very quickly and tried to reach Mike before he left without me. Once out of the house, my best friend waited until I got in the truck. I knew that he was going to say something about what he saw.

"I told you that-"

"I know, I know, Mike. Can we just go straight to work?" I asked him avoiding his piercing stare.

"I've warned you Santana, you better think before you keep doing what the fuck you're doing," Mike gave me his last warning and started the truck.

He was more than sure that I was the one who was going to hurt them, but something inside me was telling me otherwise. The way Quinn crashed into my life and mind wasn't healthy but rather dangerous. I wanted to tell Mike that for the second time in my life, I was getting that Mexican third eye feeling that this wasn't going to end well for me.

"Am I really that insignificant to someone like Quinn that you keep telling me to stay away from her or should about what I'm doing or-"

"I never said that. It's just that you're both very different and look for different things", Mike tried to explain but I still didn't see it as a justification for not attempting a relationship. Obviously with Quinn and I being very different it may make things difficult, but perhaps… Doesn't love solve all problems? Love. I know I haven't reached that point with Quinn, but if I could get the chance, I'm pretty sure I would come to love her deeply.

"Like what?" I dared to ask impatiently. Mike stopped the van for a moment and stared at me after he let out a sigh.

"Santana, can you frankly tell me that right now you would be willing to take care of a family? To be Quinn's support, to listen and live for a while behind the shadow of her husband who died a year ago? Did you take a minute to think about what she needs? If she would be willing to start a relationship and let you be part of Beth's life or if she just wants something without attachment? Or, do you even know what you're looking for?" His brown eyes met mine and all those questions were making a whirlwind of more questions in my head.

"Do you like Quinn?" That was the dumbest question I've let out of my mouth and for a moment I thought my friend was going to punch me in the face.

"Really, Santana? After everything I've said, you're asking me that? Do you see why I tell you it's best to think hard before you do anything?"

"I asked because I don't understand why you have that little faith in me, or in the possibility that we could be together. I understand everything you've said, but don't you think that it's something that we'll see over time? And I think that's something that Quinn and I would have to face seeing how things will develop" Santana defended.

"It's not that I don't have faith in that relationship. But you just gave me another reason in my favour right there. Quinn is a person who plans everything. You don't. You are very impulsive Santana-"

"I only once planned my life around a person. Do you know what happened? It never worked. Now tell me, Mike, why can't there be any chance that Quinn doesn't know what she wants to do in her life? That maybe she feel as lost as I am? I think it's better if we figure it out together than –"

"Maybe she's lost, Santana. I'm not saying she can't be, but she doesn't escape from the reality that she's living. And you? This is the second time that you're running from your own world. For how long will you keep doing that? If you fight or whatever, what are you going to do with it? Are you also going to run from it?" After those words we kept staring at each other for a few minutes, I couldn't say anything and there was no need for him to continue talking.

"I'm your best friend, and I also love this family. I'm not against anything. I just want that beautiful creature Beth to be cared for by the two of you, to not suffer anymore", Mike assured me and that really touched me. We sat in silence for another few minutes and then he pushed my shoulder.

"Come on, we're going to be late", that was the last thing he said and we finished the conversation. Little did he imagine that his words had hit me hard.

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As Mike and I worked that morning my boss mentioned he wanted to sell his cabin that he no longer used. I told him I was interested and he offered me a comfortable and cheap installment plan since I didn't have much money saved. That's where the great part about my work came in, I could work overtime and earn enough money to pay for the cabin and anything else I would need for it.

"You're crazy! You know that you'll have to walk at least three hours every day to get to work and back? You're in the middle of nowhere, Santana."

Mike kept looking at me alarmed, his eyes were saying that was not a good idea, but I omitted his opinion and accepted the deal.

After finishing work that afternoon, I asked my friend to take me to my 'new home'. I wanted to clean it and accommodate a bit to see which things I should start fixing. Besides, I needed to clear my head a little and what I wanted the most in that moment was space, silence and time to relax. What better way to do that then by cleaning and arranging my new home?

The hours had passed so quickly that I hadn't even noticed that it was almost midnight when I heard a noise. I immediately stopped fixing the floor of the dining room and slowly made my way toward the front door which was open, placing myself against the wall, waiting for the intruder to come in. As soon as I saw a shadow approaching, I quickly cornered the body against the door, pushing my weight against them and bending one arm behind their back and with my free hand held their head against the door. The jacket they were wearing covered their head, so I couldn't figure out who it was.

"Who the fuck are you?" I demanded an answer squeezing their arm.

"Are you always going to greet me like this?" A familiar voice complained and I reacted quickly moving back and releasing her. It was Quinn. The one I was trying to keep at a distance so I could clear my mind.

"Q-Quinn-sorry I didn't know-"

"It's okay, at least now I can relax knowing that you won't have any security problems. You know how to defend yourself", Quinn smiled as she tried to massage the arm I had bent behind her back.

"Umm, I would offer you some tea or something, but I have nothing here," I said uncomfortably. Her presence made me quite nervous and I couldn't figure out why. Maybe it was because it was the first time we were both alone, without any other person who could interrupt us or something.

"I assumed that you had nothing here and didn't have diner, so I brought you food since you didn't show up all day", the blonde's voice seemed to be somewhat disappointed and I couldn't help but feel guilty about it. While Quinn pulled a Tupperware with my dinner, my eyes melted into her unconsciously.

"Thank you, but you shouldn't have," I thanked her for bringing me food and then we fell into a deep silence. The tension witnessed was so heavy that neither of us knew what to do.

"Did I do something bad that-" Quinn started asking while playing with her fingers as her eyes were looking down at the floor. I had noticed that she did that whenever she was nervous, like biting her lower lip, which always turned me on so much and deepened my desire to reach out and kiss her.

"Don't you dare finish that question. You didn't do anything wrong, ok? It's just that sooner or later I would have to start looking for another place to live, Q", I explained and she nodded. "Plus, you won't be alone, you have Mike-"

"I'll miss your breakfast," the blonde cut me off this time and my heart stopped for a few seconds. Why was she doing this to me? The first time that I made a decision and considered my friend's advice, Quinn comes and does everything to make me forget the little existence of my rational side. 'Stop biting your lip', my mind pleaded again and again.

"Why?" her now seductive voice made my mind collapse and made my cheeks blush. Holy shit. I had said it out loud and she had heard me.

"It's very distracting," I confessed and I swear that in those few seconds her eyes grew darker. This woman made it very difficult to stay away from her.

"It's really late, how did you get here?" I asked abruptly changing the subject.

"Mike gave me a ride"

"Shit. Do you mind walking back? I'll buy a car someday eventually", I said embarrassed at not being able to offer her a ride to her house.

"It doesn't bother me at all. I used to walk for hours in the morning so, I'm used to long walks," She smiled at me and I smile back.

"You're not going to eat something before we go?"

"After I've made sure you've arrived safely at your home"

"But you have no bed or anything here, Santana. You don't need to move out right now. Why don't you stay at home until you can buy your own furniture for the cabin?"

"You only say that so you can keep enjoying me cooking your breakfast," I said and she giggled which I completely adored.

"Touché"

Two hours went by quickly as we talked about our lives. We talked about our most embarrassing moments we've had and we concentrated especially on our childhood, when everything was easier and simpler. I realized then that I could listen to her and see her smile all my life. I would never get tired of doing it. There was something in her green eyes that lit up whenever she remembered those happy moments. It was beautiful and it made me want to do whatever I had to do to keep the light in her eyes alive. It was when we got to her house that the silence came back.

"I think we should go to sleep, it's really late," Quinn decided to cut the silence.

"Good night, Santana," she whispered once she kissed my cheek tenderly. My eyes were closed trying to record the moment in my mind.

"It wouldn't bother me to make you breakfast every day, you know?" I said watching as she started walking towards her room.

"I know"

Her smile was what confirmed my suspicions that both of us needed someone else to tell us that they were there for anything, just being there for us, so we'd feel less alone. Perhaps we're still lost, not knowing what we wanted. But we could be lost together, right? Only time will answer that.


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